Am I Me?

I apologize in advance for this unusual post that is more personal than anything else. This basically has nothing to do with apps. It is also not directed at any individual, or group. This is just me, being wide open inspired by recent personal discovery. For better or for worse.

Recently I had allowed myself to be consumed by my own pride. I expected too much, and became overly sensitive. Not unique in any way, but to have let it control my actions, or reactions left me questioning my own character.

I offer openly what is most important to me. Honesty, integrity, and compassion. I loathe ego, hubris, and malignant behavior in general. Have I always followed those beleifs to the letter? No. Have I ever been immune to behaving poorly? No. Who has? However, I do try to maintain consistency, even when I fail.
I have been in possession of a nasty temper since…well…forever, I guess? It has never served me well. I’m not stupid, but I can do or say stupid things that were the result of being ill informed, I delivered badly, or just didnt understand to begin with. Like anybody I have found myself trying to dig out from a pile of misunderstandings more than I care to admit. I am no more or less human than anyone. I do my best.

At my core is an emotional artist who simply wants to be appreciated, acknowledged, heard, and if I can earn it, respected. I haven’t had a big impressive list of achievements or anything. I do however feel good about what I have accomplished so far. I am proud to have been one of (not “THE” first) the first to fully embrace iOS as a serious music production (Around May 2009) option. I had been lucky enough to have even a small indie label release my first body (Oct 2011; Technopolis Lost) of work. I have been fortunate to enjoy consistent, but modest radio play from corners of the globe I hadnt imagined would ever notice. I feel I had done something special, artistic, and unique. Like I really might be good at something? Like some people honestly appreciate and respect what I do? It inspires me to work hard on my next album. The quantity of who or what that is made up of, is unimportant. The individuals making up the overall collective is whats valuable to me.

Of course there’s my blog here as well. This is really where I’ve enjoyed the most relative success being of service within the community I feel very connected to. Nothing grand. I have no illusions of being anything I am not. This is a small blog with a specific focus, for a unique readership. I am grateful, and blessed most of all with the friendships I have made as a result. I enjoy doing the blog almost as much as making music.

These are the things that generally motivate me to continue.
Somehow though, I had lost sight of some of my core values. I behaved in a manner that was in many ways unbecoming. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do things differently? Who was I being?
The cold hard truth I struggeled to admit to myself was, my feelings were hurt. I felt I was being ignored, disrespected, and thought insignificant. I really felt that because I wasn’t sought out by new members of the community I am so bonded to, that meant purposeful, passive offense.
No. No. No. That’s all wrong. That’s just arrogance. That’s not me. It had to be “them”!
But, it was me. I became “that guy” I have worked so hard to avoid. Oh the shame. I completely disregarded my own motto to assume positive intent, and pretty much everything else I had considered strong charactistics in myself.

Thankfully, I snapped out of it pretty quick. I made my apologies, and peace. I awoke from a daze of confusion, and contradiction to discover I had betrayed myself. I honestly just felt sad. Then lashed out not really even knowing I was lashing. Ego. That’s what it was. Despicable ego. The thing I’ve wanted to not be was exactly what I was becoming.

So, and; if you’re still reading this may I say “wow, thank you!” I reevaluated myself, confirmed my beliefs, and pledged I would not let that happen again. I also realized (with much good advice) that I am not going to be satisfied with limiting myself to a microcosm solely devoted to one thing. I must be more aggressive with forwarding my music and myself beyond where only my roots lay. Roots that will always be firmly in place, but with more ambitious branches reaching further beyond. Branches that will deliver my message to hopefully help blur the lines that separate many people and things. One of those things is that iOS music is not just a community of “some” but a diverse collective of many. Music is not good or bad because of what was used to make it. It is what it is because of the hearts of its artists. It’s what you hear and feel. If a negative judgement is made based on how the music was created, it would only come from a small arrogant mind.

I want nothing more than to be a positive part of what moves things together, not apart. Forward not laterally. Something that blurs the lines of past perceptions to the point of being unrecognizable. I say “part” because obviously no one can do it alone. I can not make anyone want to feel this way, I just hope there might be enough gravity to pull in more mass orbiting the same goal together. It’s not about me, you, us or them. It is about heart and the music. There are no sides.

That’s who I am. Who I strive to be. I apologize for derailing for a bit there. I most sincerely thank you for reading. Cheers to you. As one kind fellow said to me recently; “lets all be best friends” and (now I’m paraphrasing) go forward with our passions together.

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9 comments

  1. Well, I must have missed something, because I’ve enjoyed reading your blog, hearing your music and seeing your posts on Twitter. Maybe you’re being too hard on yourself my friend..
    After my stage III cancer diagnosis in ’08, I went through some soul searching times…but happy to say that I’m still here…and everyday is another bonus…no matter what anyone says or thinks.
    Peace brother!

  2. Must have been a hard piece to write, both soul searching and heart felt, but very well and understandably put. No person is perfect, we all have our ‘moments’, but it takes courage and humility to openly admit when they happen. I hope all gets back on track for you internally and this community of ours pushes through some more of the barriers placed before us during the next year. Glad to be an acquaintance. Always.

  3. Music is not good or bad because of what was used to make it. It is what it is because of the hearts of its artists. It’s what you hear and feel. If a negative judgement is made based on how the music was created, it would only come from a small arrogant mind.

    Well said. πŸ™‚ As for everything else, you’ve only ever been kind to me. So keep on keeping. πŸ˜‰

  4. Thank you fellas! Its all just a personal thing I chose to make public and share a bit about myself. For what its worth. I felt good writing this, but yes it was a tad difficult. I had a learning experience and came out of it with a positive feeling. I’m glad for it.

  5. Awesome post. W all make mistakes. I know I made a few recently as well. The mistakes aren’t what make us who we are, it’s how we recover and Lear from them.
    πŸ˜‰

  6. Well written, my friend. I’m certain this wasn’t easy to write. I find reasons daily to respect you even more, and you feel like a friend to me, despite the fact we’ve never met in person.

    I think you make an important distinction between being proud of yourself and letting pride consume you. Despite the negative connotations attributed to the word “pride”, it is healthy to be proud of your accomplishments and to strive to accomplish things to be proud of.

    I know from plenty of experience that it is easy to feel slighted when your accomplishments are overlooked or dismissed, especially when you have put everything into those achievements. I’m definitely guilty of getting my feelings hurt and lashing out when I find myself in situations where I feel I have to re-prove myself.

    However, there are also distinctions that need to be made on the other side of the equation. Some people may mistake pride for arrogance. I am sure there are folks who have thought I was arrogant, because my profession requires aggressive assertion of intellect, talent and experience in order to progress. I’m talking about the software industry, but if you think about it, you can’t make it far in the music world without fairly aggressive self-promotion, either.

    In my experience, true arrogance and egotistical behavior often have little or nothing to do with pride derived from accomplishments. They usually come from a place of entitlement, sociopathy, or some kind of superiority complex. You can usually feel the difference in your gut, but you can almost always nail someone on arrogance based on gauging their respect for other people. True arrogance shows an inherent disrespect for others, and often comes from a conscious or unconscious belief that one is somehow better than other people. Sometimes pride can turn into arrogance (i.e. letting pride consume you), but more often than not, there was nothing worth being “proud” of in the first place.

    So, to get to the point, I have never experienced, nor can I imagine you as coming from a place of true arrogance or disrespect. Hopefully in working through your own process you will remember not to be too hard on yourself. πŸ™‚

    And for my last $.02 – sometimes what feels like disrespect really IS disrespect. ’nuff said πŸ˜‰

  7. great! Did a service with this post. Gotta get that stuff out. Don’t feel disappointed it you fall again, its a process. little by little. You’ve got my support.

  8. Music is a universal language. With music you can transform your thoughts, your hopes, sadness, happiness, success and love into the world !
    ref:Written by Wolfgang Hildebrandt Team

  9. Ahh a true internal explorer. Great to hear others minds out there function in a similar way to mine. Your words are heard loud and clear and completely understood. I feel myself struggling with similar motifs in my life as well. Thanks for sharing πŸ™‚

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