Month: May 2013

Am I Me?

I apologize in advance for this unusual post that is more personal than anything else. This basically has nothing to do with apps. It is also not directed at any individual, or group. This is just me, being wide open inspired by recent personal discovery. For better or for worse.

Recently I had allowed myself to be consumed by my own pride. I expected too much, and became overly sensitive. Not unique in any way, but to have let it control my actions, or reactions left me questioning my own character.

I offer openly what is most important to me. Honesty, integrity, and compassion. I loathe ego, hubris, and malignant behavior in general. Have I always followed those beleifs to the letter? No. Have I ever been immune to behaving poorly? No. Who has? However, I do try to maintain consistency, even when I fail.
I have been in possession of a nasty temper since…well…forever, I guess? It has never served me well. I’m not stupid, but I can do or say stupid things that were the result of being ill informed, I delivered badly, or just didnt understand to begin with. Like anybody I have found myself trying to dig out from a pile of misunderstandings more than I care to admit. I am no more or less human than anyone. I do my best.

At my core is an emotional artist who simply wants to be appreciated, acknowledged, heard, and if I can earn it, respected. I haven’t had a big impressive list of achievements or anything. I do however feel good about what I have accomplished so far. I am proud to have been one of (not “THE” first) the first to fully embrace iOS as a serious music production (Around May 2009) option. I had been lucky enough to have even a small indie label release my first body (Oct 2011; Technopolis Lost) of work. I have been fortunate to enjoy consistent, but modest radio play from corners of the globe I hadnt imagined would ever notice. I feel I had done something special, artistic, and unique. Like I really might be good at something? Like some people honestly appreciate and respect what I do? It inspires me to work hard on my next album. The quantity of who or what that is made up of, is unimportant. The individuals making up the overall collective is whats valuable to me.

Of course there’s my blog here as well. This is really where I’ve enjoyed the most relative success being of service within the community I feel very connected to. Nothing grand. I have no illusions of being anything I am not. This is a small blog with a specific focus, for a unique readership. I am grateful, and blessed most of all with the friendships I have made as a result. I enjoy doing the blog almost as much as making music.

These are the things that generally motivate me to continue.
Somehow though, I had lost sight of some of my core values. I behaved in a manner that was in many ways unbecoming. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do things differently? Who was I being?
The cold hard truth I struggeled to admit to myself was, my feelings were hurt. I felt I was being ignored, disrespected, and thought insignificant. I really felt that because I wasn’t sought out by new members of the community I am so bonded to, that meant purposeful, passive offense.
No. No. No. That’s all wrong. That’s just arrogance. That’s not me. It had to be “them”!
But, it was me. I became “that guy” I have worked so hard to avoid. Oh the shame. I completely disregarded my own motto to assume positive intent, and pretty much everything else I had considered strong charactistics in myself.

Thankfully, I snapped out of it pretty quick. I made my apologies, and peace. I awoke from a daze of confusion, and contradiction to discover I had betrayed myself. I honestly just felt sad. Then lashed out not really even knowing I was lashing. Ego. That’s what it was. Despicable ego. The thing I’ve wanted to not be was exactly what I was becoming.

So, and; if you’re still reading this may I say “wow, thank you!” I reevaluated myself, confirmed my beliefs, and pledged I would not let that happen again. I also realized (with much good advice) that I am not going to be satisfied with limiting myself to a microcosm solely devoted to one thing. I must be more aggressive with forwarding my music and myself beyond where only my roots lay. Roots that will always be firmly in place, but with more ambitious branches reaching further beyond. Branches that will deliver my message to hopefully help blur the lines that separate many people and things. One of those things is that iOS music is not just a community of “some” but a diverse collective of many. Music is not good or bad because of what was used to make it. It is what it is because of the hearts of its artists. It’s what you hear and feel. If a negative judgement is made based on how the music was created, it would only come from a small arrogant mind.

I want nothing more than to be a positive part of what moves things together, not apart. Forward not laterally. Something that blurs the lines of past perceptions to the point of being unrecognizable. I say “part” because obviously no one can do it alone. I can not make anyone want to feel this way, I just hope there might be enough gravity to pull in more mass orbiting the same goal together. It’s not about me, you, us or them. It is about heart and the music. There are no sides.

That’s who I am. Who I strive to be. I apologize for derailing for a bit there. I most sincerely thank you for reading. Cheers to you. As one kind fellow said to me recently; “lets all be best friends” and (now I’m paraphrasing) go forward with our passions together.